Text Message

Chanel: Glenn Beck! That's the crazy guy!
Champagne: Oh yeah that guy's insane. How did you forget that? He has the same last name as us.
Chanel: I know, right?

Champagne: My new headache pills look like suppositories. Remind me to show you later.

Roflibopplecopter

Chanel: What does "FML" mean?
Billy: haha fuck my life
Chanel: ohhh
Billy: I abbreviate a lot. fml fyl smc soc ihyf.
Chanel: See you can't just make up your own abbreviations, otherwise no one will get them. There's already an established text abbreviation language.
Chanel: That would be like me trying to submit the word "Flibopple" to Mirriam-Webster. And damnit Billy, the internet has protocols!
Billy: ef that language. idgaf! Everyone i talk to knows what i'm talking about.
Chanel: Without them we are no better then monkies!
Billy: flibopple?
Chanel: You heard me!
Billy: no way! that we follow them makes us slaves! i'd rather be a monkey than slave to an inhuman machine bent on dumbing down and controlling every aspect of our lives!
Chanel: Yeah yeah, Anarchy in the UK and all that.
Chanel: Want half an everything bagel with no cream cheese?
Billy: that sounds uh-mazing

I hate my co-workers

Half a day's worth of real conversations from the 20 year old co-worker that sits in the cubicle next to me:

Co-worker: I can't eat bread because I'm lactose intolerant.
Me: .......

Co-worker: So I have a cousin that's retarded. Like literally he's retarded. He's 27 and has the mind of a 10 year old ya know. He really loves going to Chuck E. Cheese, it's soooo sad. Retards just break your heart.
Me: .......

I never respond and she just keeps talking.

Co-worker: Ok, I'm all for interracial work places but like why is 90% of the call center department races other then 'straight from England whites'? Like I'm not racist or anything but when I'm in the bathroom I can tell when a Mexican walks in because they're always on their cell phone and they clomp their feet around cause they drag their feet all the time.
Me: .......

On Grooming

McKay: So besides an hour where I sat at Arby's and read, i've just been going back and forth between sitting at my couch and my computer in my underwear since 7 am

McKay: and napping.

Me: sometimes life is hard, dude.

McKay: oh, and my face his half shaven.

Me: haha! why?

McKay: Because I shave a little and then get sick of it, and then go sit down.

McKay: And i hadn't shaved since thursday, and i hate shaving early before work.

Me: that's easily the laziest thing I've heard of in ages

McKay: But at least I get the job done.

McKay: Slow and steady....

Me: haha

McKay: only one small patch left

Me: you should be able to get it done before work tomorrow

Me: I believe in you, McKay.

McKay: Yep

Aye, Captain

Champagne: Computer, locate Chanel

Chanel: Computer - "Heading Southeast bound towards the breakroom...I mean 10-forward."

Importance: High

________________________________________
From: Chanel
Sent: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 10:54 AM
To: 'Champagne'
Subject: RE: That thing I sent you
Importance: High


Did you get that thing I sent you?


-Chanel
Image Review Specialist



________________________________________
From: Champagne
Sent: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 10:59 AM
To: 'Chanel
Subject: RE: That thing I sent you

You mean that thing you just sent me, just now?



________________________________________
From: Chanel
Sent: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 11:02 AM
To: 'Champagne'
Subject: RE: That thing I sent you
Importance: High

Yes. Where are you on that?






________________________________________
From: Champagne
Sent: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 11:04 AM
To: 'Chanel'
Subject: RE: That thing I sent you

Oh we’re on top of that, Nelly.



________________________________________

From: Chanel
Sent: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 11:04 AM
To: 'Champagne'
Subject: RE: That thing I sent you

Excellent!

Breaking News

I know, I was shocked too- Daniel Baldwin is actually considered a celebrity.

Clay pigeons are fuckers!

Channing: On Memorial Day I accidentally shot a helpless bird with a 12ga shotgun and I felt pretty bad

Chanel: Aww poor birdie! Why would you do that??

Channing: To be honest the bird had to be fuckin retarded

Chanel: lol

Channing: We were at an outdoor shooting range shooting skeet and for some reason a lot of birds like to nest around the range and under the roof. Like you'd think the constant gunfire would clue them in

Chanel: Oh well then I guess it's just natural selection.

Channing: So the fag just flies over the ridge right infront of the clay I was shooting and he pretty much exploded and I missed the clay

Chanel: The fag? lol

Channing: Yes fuck that bird

Chanel: I'm pretty sure you did. So you win.

Channing: Does it make me more American if I kill something on Memorial Day

Chanel: Fuck yeah it does.

Channing: Tight

Channing: Afk getting an american flag tat on my back with a crying bald eagle cluthing a shotgun

Chanel: What American DOESN'T kill something on Memorial Day? I killed a drifter myself. Then I sold his organs on the black market and guess what I bought with the money? An HDTV and a foam finger made with child labor in China. Beat that!

Channing: You should have bought guns! Your going to be fucked when arizona seceeds from the union

Chanel: Crap, you're right!

Channing: And by then most of the homeless will be dead and the organ market will be satureated...Or we could conscript them and form a hobo army

Chanel: Go on...

Channing: Armed with broken bottles and crack cocained laced with the piss of a T-rex that we genetically engineered to ride into battle

Chanel: You know when I met you I had a good feeling you'd be a pro-active candidate for evil-doing. I'm glad I didn't interview anyone else.


One hour later...


Channing: I like it when teammates ask you to do things for them like mass delete 800 accounts most of which are active buying accounts used everyday and your teammate doesn't bother to check this beforehand

Chanel: And then you get blamed right?

Channing: I wish she nested at a shooting range

Chanel: lmao

I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.

Gym Guy: The imporant thing about weight loss is to take in less calories than you expand. I mean, you don't have to give up all your favorite stuff. I don't want you to eat like a squirrel or anything.

Pagne: That's good. I don't imagine squirrel tastes very good.

Humandals

Pagne: Dude, these are the most comfortable sandals I've ever worn.
Pagne: I want to have their human-dal hybrid offspring.