The Douches We Know

The Clicker 9000

2011-05-25T08:01:00.002-07:00

Chanel: That uber fancy tv remote you have is going for $40 on Icemonkey

Erick: doubtful...

Erick: ....the 600! lol steve has the 700 that was only like 80, thats the 600, mines the 900

Chanel: Whatever, remote snob

Erick: hahaha

Chanel: You know back in my day you had to get up from the couch and turn a nob ON the tv to change the channel.

Erick: what about wired remotes

Chanel: And there was only like 10 channels you could chose from....and you had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get to the tv!

Chanel: ....and without the use of your legs because everyone had polio!

Erick: outside with a crank

Chanel: Exactly! So you just think about that Mister.

Man-Horse

2010-05-10T16:35:00.000-07:00

Pagne: Omfg. I just learned that along with the immigration law our batshit crazy legislature passed a law that bans classes about Hispanic culture, makes it harder to get an abortion, and, wait for it… bans scientists from creating animal-human hybrid creatures. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. Centaurs. Oh my Christ we need to get the hell out of here.

Nelly: But I was going to take “Chimeras – A How-To Guide” next semester. :(

My Mom: P.I.

2010-04-06T21:40:00.002-07:00

Re: a police incident in my neighborhood this afternoon.

Mom: somebody just got shot as i was walking by the apts across the street! The cops r closing the entire blok off so no one gets in or out the assailant is in the neighborhood armed on foot, the helicopter is announcing 4 onlookers 2 go bak inside! Ther r swat teams everywhere!

Me: I just read the news, it was no big deal. The cops shot a guy with a knife who was threatening them. No one died.

Mom: Shot him with a knife? How!

Crikey!

2010-03-03T07:42:00.002-07:00

Champagne: Why do large women wear animal prints so much? It makes me want to tranquilize and capture them.

Me: Tag them for migratory research.

Champagne: We've tracked the animal from Burger King to Arby's ."

At the Mall

2010-02-19T17:18:00.003-07:00

Me: Hi. My grandma got me this sweater for my birthday last month and it's like 4 sizes too big for me. Can I exchange it?

Banana Republic Guy: Do you have a receipt?

Me: No, but the tag is still on it.

Banana Republic Guy: Ok then I can scan it and we'll have to give you the current price.

Me: That's fine. My grandma likes to leave the original price tags on things she got on clearance. I doubt it's worth what it says.

Banana Republic Guy: *scan* Um... how long ago did you get this?

Me: Last month.

Banana Republic Guy: Yeah... this was from the '06 Holiday Line. I'm afraid I can't even exchange this.

Me: *sigh* My grandma is an asshole.

At the Gym

2010-02-11T19:36:00.002-07:00

Trainer: Can you feel that in your butt?
Me: ...oh yeah. I can feel it.

Foot, meet Mouth.

2010-02-10T10:32:00.003-07:00

Coworker: You should move over to Violations Processing. It's pretty boring, but we get to watch videos of car accidents sometimes, so that's cool.

Me: Well I don't think car accidents are cool but I definitely want to get out of this department.

Coworker: Oh I think it's hilarious. I just watch them and laugh.
Me: Well my dad was killed in a car accident when I was 18.

Coworker: ...Fuck.

Me: FAIL.

Word.

2009-12-14T14:11:00.001-07:00

Brittany says:
You'll have to come out and meet him sometime. He's a really great person
Chanel says:
word
Brittany says:
word. you've been using "word" for a long time now, lol. I think that's a lifer for you
Chanel says:
It's a good word to use to let someone know that you are in fact listening but have nothing to further add to the conversation at this moment. I think it's more polite then just not saying anything cause then it looks like you just up and walked away.
And it can mean so many things. It can mean "cool" or "Indeed" or "Understood", etc.
Brittany says:
its very vague though... I have always taken it as disinterest...
or sometimes "ok"
Chanel says:
It can also mean those things as well.
Brittany says:
lol - so how do I know!?!?
Chanel says:
No usually it does mean disinterest, but again it's more polite then just ignoring someone.
I use it mostly as a "cool" but not so much of a "Cool!" it's just a little "cool". Like "oh yeah? that's pretty cool." but not like "holy shit that's fucking awesomely cool!"
Brittany says:
yeah - so back there... the two "word"s you gave me... what were those? disinterest?
Chanel says:
Those were "cool." but not so much "ZOMG COOL!!!!1111!"
Brittany says:
oh ok
thanks for explaining
Chanel says:
Word.

Text Message

2009-08-04T20:09:00.005-07:00

Chanel: Glenn Beck! That's the crazy guy!
Champagne: Oh yeah that guy's insane. How did you forget that? He has the same last name as us.
Chanel: I know, right?

Champagne: My new headache pills look like suppositories. Remind me to show you later.

Roflibopplecopter

2009-07-10T09:25:00.002-07:00

Chanel: What does "FML" mean?
Billy: haha fuck my life
Chanel: ohhh
Billy: I abbreviate a lot. fml fyl smc soc ihyf.
Chanel: See you can't just make up your own abbreviations, otherwise no one will get them. There's already an established text abbreviation language.
Chanel: That would be like me trying to submit the word "Flibopple" to Mirriam-Webster. And damnit Billy, the internet has protocols!
Billy: ef that language. idgaf! Everyone i talk to knows what i'm talking about.
Chanel: Without them we are no better then monkies!
Billy: flibopple?
Chanel: You heard me!
Billy: no way! that we follow them makes us slaves! i'd rather be a monkey than slave to an inhuman machine bent on dumbing down and controlling every aspect of our lives!
Chanel: Yeah yeah, Anarchy in the UK and all that.
Chanel: Want half an everything bagel with no cream cheese?
Billy: that sounds uh-mazing

I hate my co-workers

2009-07-09T14:08:00.004-07:00

Half a day's worth of real conversations from the 20 year old co-worker that sits in the cubicle next to me:

Co-worker: I can't eat bread because I'm lactose intolerant.
Me: .......

Co-worker: So I have a cousin that's retarded. Like literally he's retarded. He's 27 and has the mind of a 10 year old ya know. He really loves going to Chuck E. Cheese, it's soooo sad. Retards just break your heart.
Me: .......

I never respond and she just keeps talking.

Co-worker: Ok, I'm all for interracial work places but like why is 90% of the call center department races other then 'straight from England whites'? Like I'm not racist or anything but when I'm in the bathroom I can tell when a Mexican walks in because they're always on their cell phone and they clomp their feet around cause they drag their feet all the time.
Me: .......

On Grooming

2009-07-05T18:51:00.003-07:00

McKay: So besides an hour where I sat at Arby's and read, i've just been going back and forth between sitting at my couch and my computer in my underwear since 7 am

McKay: and napping.

Me: sometimes life is hard, dude.

McKay: oh, and my face his half shaven.

Me: haha! why?

McKay: Because I shave a little and then get sick of it, and then go sit down.

McKay: And i hadn't shaved since thursday, and i hate shaving early before work.

Me: that's easily the laziest thing I've heard of in ages

McKay: But at least I get the job done.

McKay: Slow and steady....

Me: haha

McKay: only one small patch left

Me: you should be able to get it done before work tomorrow

Me: I believe in you, McKay.

McKay: Yep

Aye, Captain

2009-06-25T09:26:00.005-07:00

Champagne: Computer, locate Chanel

Chanel: Computer - "Heading Southeast bound towards the breakroom...I mean 10-forward."

Importance: High

2009-06-23T11:05:00.003-07:00

________________________________________
From: Chanel
Sent: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 10:54 AM
To: 'Champagne'
Subject: RE: That thing I sent you
Importance: High

Did you get that thing I sent you?

-Chanel
Image Review Specialist

________________________________________
From: Champagne
Sent: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 10:59 AM
To: 'Chanel
Subject: RE: That thing I sent you

You mean that thing you just sent me, just now?

________________________________________
From: Chanel
Sent: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 11:02 AM
To: 'Champagne'
Subject: RE: That thing I sent you
Importance: High

Yes. Where are you on that?

________________________________________
From: Champagne
Sent: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 11:04 AM
To: 'Chanel'
Subject: RE: That thing I sent you

Oh we’re on top of that, Nelly.

________________________________________

From: Chanel
Sent: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 11:04 AM
To: 'Champagne'
Subject: RE: That thing I sent you

Excellent!

Breaking News

2009-06-02T16:59:00.005-07:00

I know, I was shocked too- Daniel Baldwin is actually considered a celebrity.

Clay pigeons are fuckers!

2009-05-28T14:23:00.006-07:00

Channing: On Memorial Day I accidentally shot a helpless bird with a 12ga shotgun and I felt pretty bad

Chanel: Aww poor birdie! Why would you do that??

Channing: To be honest the bird had to be fuckin retarded

Chanel: lol

Channing: We were at an outdoor shooting range shooting skeet and for some reason a lot of birds like to nest around the range and under the roof. Like you'd think the constant gunfire would clue them in

Chanel: Oh well then I guess it's just natural selection.

Channing: So the fag just flies over the ridge right infront of the clay I was shooting and he pretty much exploded and I missed the clay

Chanel: The fag? lol

Channing: Yes fuck that bird

Chanel: I'm pretty sure you did. So you win.

Channing: Does it make me more American if I kill something on Memorial Day

Chanel: Fuck yeah it does.

Channing: Tight

Channing: Afk getting an american flag tat on my back with a crying bald eagle cluthing a shotgun

Chanel: What American DOESN'T kill something on Memorial Day? I killed a drifter myself. Then I sold his organs on the black market and guess what I bought with the money? An HDTV and a foam finger made with child labor in China. Beat that!

Channing: You should have bought guns! Your going to be fucked when arizona seceeds from the union

Chanel: Crap, you're right!

Channing: And by then most of the homeless will be dead and the organ market will be satureated...Or we could conscript them and form a hobo army

Chanel: Go on...

Channing: Armed with broken bottles and crack cocained laced with the piss of a T-rex that we genetically engineered to ride into battle

Chanel: You know when I met you I had a good feeling you'd be a pro-active candidate for evil-doing. I'm glad I didn't interview anyone else.

One hour later...

Channing: I like it when teammates ask you to do things for them like mass delete 800 accounts most of which are active buying accounts used everyday and your teammate doesn't bother to check this beforehand

Chanel: And then you get blamed right?

Channing: I wish she nested at a shooting range

Chanel: lmao

I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.

2009-05-21T20:22:00.004-07:00

Gym Guy: The imporant thing about weight loss is to take in less calories than you expand. I mean, you don't have to give up all your favorite stuff. I don't want you to eat like a squirrel or anything.

Pagne: That's good. I don't imagine squirrel tastes very good.

Humandals

2009-05-21T20:20:00.002-07:00

Pagne: Dude, these are the most comfortable sandals I've ever worn.
Pagne: I want to have their human-dal hybrid offspring.

They're always after me Margaritaville!

2009-04-08T13:49:00.005-07:00

Bobby: You still on the row team ?

Me: The what?

Bobby: The ROW team you know where your in the water with your team and you row to the finish line

Me: I have no idea what you’re talking about. Are you drunk?

Bobby: Not drunk just making shit up, trying to get a laugh outta ya

Me: Yeah right, you’ve been sucking back on grandma’s cough medicine. Don’t deny it.

Me: But yes, I am still on the Row team. You know me, going out and doing all that rowing, in all that water that we have out here in Arizona. I keep my boat in the trunk of my car actually. You’re probably thinking “Gosh Chanel, how do you fit a whole boat in the trunk of your car?” well to answer your question it’s a folding boat. Yup, folds right up. I like to keep it next to the pot of gold I stole from the lucky charms leprechaun last time I saw Jimmy Buffet in concert. But aaaaanyways I digress….

Scrote tent

2009-03-27T10:43:00.003-07:00

Me: The wind is scarey, Dragan!
Dragan: I'm scared too! Hold me between your giant boobs!
Me: Hold me between your giant balls!
Dragan: I'll stretch out my scrotum and use it as a tent.
Me: I have faith your scrote will protect us from the elements!
Dragan: Me too, I have faith in it.

Eloquence

2009-03-20T08:17:00.004-07:00

Chanel: Brittnaw!!
Brittany: Nella!
Chanel: Brittnaw!
Brittany: Nellllllla!
Chanel: BRIIIITTNAAAAAAWWWW!!!!!
Brittany: NEEEELLAAA!!
Chanel: Alright. Good talking with you.
Brittany: You too, take care.

Lord of the Carpool

2009-03-16T20:53:00.001-07:00

(ex-coworker)

Mar 16 2009 8:37 PM

Comment Back - Send Message - Block User

congrats! i have approved you!

so how lame is the carpool without me?! lol.

Pagne

Mar 16 2009 8:51 PM

Team Carpool has not been the same without you. It lacks a certain joy. The Fellowship is broken.

Nerdy Candy

2009-03-08T10:50:00.001-07:00

Matty B: I barely know what blogs are I think they are like the nerd candies with two different flavor choices, but some how they both get mixed up and end on the other side.

We don't need another hero!

2009-02-27T14:24:00.003-07:00

Champagne: You know that scene in Mad Max Beyond Thunder Dorm...er Thunder Dome?
Chanel: Did you just say "Thunder Dorm"?
Champagne: Haha, yeah sorry. Thunder Dome.
Chanel: Dude that needs to be a real thing, like down at ASU or something.
Champagne: Two bros enter, one bro leave.

The Pagne Is Mightier

2009-02-16T18:08:00.007-07:00

Mom: (while perusing a novelty quill pen at Walgreens) Are quill pens pretty easy to write with?

Pagne: Well no, actually, they're kind of a pain in the ass. They fell out of favor for a reason, you know.

Just For Men

2009-02-16T18:07:00.004-07:00

Mom: How is men's hair dye different from women's?

Pagne: it has a special chemical that makes them not gay for using hair dye.

A World Without a Baldwin

2009-02-15T16:00:00.004-07:00

Nelly: Let's move to France and open a Mexican restaurant. Dragan said France is the coolest, funnest place ever. He said you never ever run out of things to do. And everyone drives scooters and there's culture and delicious food.

Pagne: You know, Canada is like France, but everyone speaks English and they have American entertainment. It's like Diet France.

Nelly: Nope. France.

Pagne: Ok. But you're gonna miss Alec Baldwin. Mark my words.

Nelly: ...what???

Pagne: I don't know if they have Alec Baldwin in France. I know they have him in Canada. What kind of world is Baldwin-less? That's just a world I don't want to be a part of.

untitled

2009-02-13T23:33:00.004-07:00

pagne: oh did i tell you about after I graduated and got a new job my grandpa said about me "Champagne doesn't come around here anymore. Now that she's get her fancy degree she thinks she's too good for us."

michael: HAH
michael: all that hoity toity book learnin

pagne: and when I was volunteering for the ME they called me a traitor for working with "the law".

michael: hahah you come from a family of redneck criminals
michael: they are like some weird cannibal bayou family

Puta mosquito!

2009-02-13T11:38:00.003-07:00

On the subject of some guy being a total dick to me at work:

Champagne: don't sink to his level and be mean on purpose either. just imagine he's like a mosquito that you're not allowed to kill
Champagne: it's just annoying and all you can do is avoid it.
Champagne: you don't go saying "well here, mosquito. i'll give you some blood if you promise not to bite me later."
Champagne: but they're a fucking mosquito. and mosquitoes don't speak english, as we all know, because they are from south america.
Champagne: and I don't know how to say "Sir, you are a dick" in spanish. so just try not to be in the same room as that mosquito

OkCupid Gems

2009-02-12T06:00:00.006-07:00

hi hoojib,
your attitude and picture says it all-very open and beautiful. i've had a few bi females friends over the years, two i was sexual with and it was really special and different for me anyway. i must admit i look for the unusual including relationships-having been through 2 divorces and getting into the swinger thing has taught me to be much more open to new possibilities and adventures when it comes to sex, that is female sex. alot of bi women go to the swinger parties because they are looking for that special and erotic adventure. they find it sometimes too. i have no idea if you are into men at all and that's cool if you aren't-if you are open to the idea anyway we would have a goodtime i would wager-of course your girlfriend would have something to say about it i would imagine. if you are interested you can reach me at xxxxxxxxxxxxx at that yahoo place or my cell is xxxxxxxxxx.

ciao,
gary

OkCupid Gems

2009-02-12T05:58:00.005-07:00

Hi looking threw profiles and matches found yours and started reading. I think u have the coolest job ever. You get to go threw unidentified bodies and figure out who they are? Sounds realy intersting. I myself could never do such a thing. dead bodies and gore irl freak me out. Dont get me wrong. i can look at photos of gore all day.. but seeing it with my own eyes... blehc. Ive always had alot of respect in those kinds of fields ie.. Dr. nurse paramedic mortician cops. God knows I couldnt keep my cookies down.

u seem realy cool from ur profile def a fun person with lots of spunk. :)

i never know what to write when im emailing some one on here for the first time. the intrawebz b a weird place sometimes.

any ways check out my profile hit me up if ur intrested if not.. no big woop. :)

It's POOP again!

2008-12-26T10:50:00.004-07:00

Nelly: I bet you're the kind of guy that locks the car doors and starts driving away when your friend is trying to get in.
Bobby: lol i prob would do that
Nelly: Well I'll admit that one is a classic. There are some jokes that never get old.
Bobby: excatly, like when you poop in a bag and light it on fire and ring a door bell
Nelly: I've never done that but it sounds great.
Nelly: Wait, I thought you were supposed to use dog shit, not your own shit.
Bobby: either one
Nelly: I think you're putting too much effort into flaming bags of poo, Bobby.
Bobby: lol. be careful u may get it
Nelly: I mean flaming bags of poo are supposed to be a get-in get-out type of prank. Your way seems like it would take far too long
Bobby: no way, drop n go
Nelly: What happens if the person for whome the bag was meant for decides to take the garbage out while you're still preparing the bag? Then the surprise would be ruined.
Bobby: no
Nelly: Yes
Bobby: ok NO
Nelly: I think you know nothing of the art of flaming bags of poo. I think you're frontin'
Bobby: no. see u have poo in a bag
Bobby: then roll up to house, then light throw on porch ring or knock then bolt
Nelly: Oh so you have the bag ready ahead of time? See you didn't mention anything about pre-meditated flaming poo bags
Bobby: well i figured u knew that
Nelly: I apologize

Gusto!

2008-12-22T10:42:00.001-07:00

Nelly: I just used the word "gusto" in a sentence! haha
Pagne: sweet
Nelly: This is gonna be a good week, I can tell.

Pounding

2008-12-22T09:43:00.003-07:00

They're building some cubicles where Pagne and I work and it's very loud.

Nelly: What is up with that pounding??
Pagne: oh sorry. I was just banging my dick against the wall.
Nelly: HA!

ALL ABOARD!

2008-12-18T15:20:00.003-07:00

Chanel: So where's my god damn hug, Bobby?
Bobby: lol i told u [I don't hug]
Chanel: Ok, I'm gonna come over to your desk and throw a tantrum then. "Waaah waaaaah" that's what I'm gonna do while I'm rolling around on the floor....Ah forget it, you don't deserve one of my hugs. So there.
Bobby: come over i need a good laugh ha ha jk
Chanel: You're mean
Bobby: jokes nelly jokes
Chanel: You're a big old doody head
Bobby: lol
Chanel: You ain't never gettin' a hug from me now. You just missed the hug train. I was all "All aboard!" and you weren't around so we took off without ya.
Bobby: lol come get a hug and maybe eric will give ya one also and maybe jeff
Chanel: Nah, you're gonna be all up at the ticket counter going "Omg I missed the Nelly hug train! When's the next one coming in?" and they gonna be like "Sorry next Nelly hug train won't be comin' round until NEVER o'clock!"

Poop

2008-12-17T11:16:00.003-07:00

Chanel: Oh so I found out the office party is going to be outside. Like wtf? I'm gonna freeze my ass off.
Bobby: nah they have it in covered tents with heaters
Chanel: oh ok good, cause I'm planning on wearing a dress
Bobby: well nice ill poop on you then lol
Chanel: wtf? Why?? What did I do?
Bobby: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ahahahah
Chanel: There's nothing like a co-worker threatening to take a dump on you and then laughing maniacally to set the tone for the work day.

THE FEAST!

2008-12-15T11:50:00.004-07:00

Chanel: Good morrow Sire!
Jeff: how is thee on this most gloomy of days?
Chanel: Gloomy, quite gloomy
Chanel: Whilst thou be joining us in our mid-day feast?
Jeff: im afraid i must decline your offer, for i am on my way to lunch with the village hooligans!
Chanel: You cut me to the core.
Jeff: haha
Chanel: You hath insulted me and my luncheon brethren and we shall joust for honor!
Jeff: very well!
Chanel: very well indeed!
Jeff: absolutely indeed very indeed well!
Chanel: ...you win this time. But we shall meet agAIN!

My Mother: Fish Murderer

2008-12-11T18:00:00.003-07:00

Mom: I wanted to replace grandma's fish before it died. Because it was looking sick and if grandma came in and found it dead she'd think I did it because Everyone thinks I'm a fish-murderer. Cause I flushed my last one
Me: Well, you are a fish-murderer. But that would have to be a really sinister murder if you change your M.O. like that. You can flush a fish in the heat of passion. But if you murdered grandma's fish in a way that ended up with her finding the body floating in the bowl you'd have to, like, strangle the fish or something. And then return it to its bowl. That's premeditated fish murder.
Oh or you could have used a tiny gun.

Frankenturkey

2008-11-26T19:21:00.001-07:00

T-Pagne says:

what are you researching? are you doing experiments on your turkey?

-(jef)f- says:

i dont need the internet for that... however, i wanted to look up recipes and football related stuff.

T-Pagne says:

are you making a Frankenturkey??

-(jef)f- says:

whats a frankenturkey? i know of a Turducken

T-Pagne says:

Come to think of it, I think a turducken would be a frankenturkey

-(jef)f- says:

ah okay

T-Pagne says:

well it's like frankenstein's monster, but made of poultry.

T-Pagne says:

but still played by robert deniro in the film.

T-Pagne says:

remember the sound of the alarm yesterday? that's the mournful cry of the accursed Frankenturkey.

-(jef)f- says:

wow

-(jef)f- says:

i really need the internet now. i must know more haha

T-Pagne says:

authorities deny the existence of the frankenturkey. but the locals still say that every thanksgiving you can hear him crying out to the wind:

T-Pagne says:

gobble....gobble

-(jef)f- says:

like a post-halloween turkey monster. i bet hes delicious if you can catch him.

T-Pagne says:

many men have tried and failed.

The voices of the new generation

2008-11-19T09:00:00.003-07:00

Me: at least gas is super cheap this week
Jesse: yeah i'ma have to get in on that action
Me: It's down to $54/barrel
Jesse: damn son hope it stays there
Me: It was like $125 a few months ago
Jesse: i saw gas down here for like 2.09 today i think, crazy !!!!
Me: Wow that's retarded cheap. Imma have to fill my tank down there from now on.
Jesse: i know right ? ... forget scottsdale prices
Jesse: ... and that was even a gas station right off the freewya
Jesse: bomb huh
Me: fer reals yo \m/
Jesse: true true

Retarded Kids Shouldn't Vote

2008-11-11T09:43:00.002-07:00

Drunk Guy: You know... the problem with Obama is, like... who is this guy anyway? I mean he has no experience. He just, like, came out of nowhere. I mean, like who IS he?
Nelly: He's a fucking senator you retard.
Drunk Guy: ...oh.

Wainscoting

2008-11-06T10:44:00.004-07:00

Pagne: I got an ad in my gmail for wainscoting. I could use a good wainscotting.
Nelly: You know those ads are based on your inbox.
Pagne: It's empty. That's weird.
Nelly: So you're not subscribed to Wainscotting Weekly?
Pagne: No. Just Crown Moulding Quarterly.
Pagne: Baseboards Bi-Annual
Nelly: Stuck on Stucco?
Pagne: Spiffy Spackle

Spoogemeal

2008-10-31T13:15:00.004-07:00

Pagne: Have you ever noticed how wet oatmeal goo looks just like SEMEN?
Michael: no.
Pagne: It totally does. Put some oatmeal in a sock and get it wet. When you squeeze it, it totally spews semeny goo on you.
Michael: why would you do that
Pagne: For the tub. It's like an oatmeal bath thing. It makes your skin all soft.
Pagne: For reals. My ass feels like velvet.

Terms of Endearment

2008-10-31T13:07:00.004-07:00

Pagne: you know that gell pad in the ass of biker shorts? That's you.
Greg: You're the bits of croissant under my e-brake.
Pagne: You're the little pocket in the crotch of a swimsuit that fills up with sand at the beach.
Pagne: Also, the crumb tray uunder the toaster.
Greg: And the dust under the greasetrap at McDonald's.
Greg: AND the pube on the toilet in grand central
Pagne: You're the lint trap in my dryer.
Greg: Youre a retard's breath.
Greg: And a hobo's toothscum
Pagne: You're the little pile of hair that accumulates on the bathroom floor in between sweepings.
Greg: You're a hobo's poo-stained inner trouser seat.
Pagne: You're a hobo's only hankie
Pagne: You're the hair stocking old an old, sweaty drag queen's wig.
Greg: You're a tard home's mop bucket.
Pagne: You're the snail tracks on a stripper pole.
Greg: AND the the assstench on a porno boot bench.
Pagne: And the bath spong in an old folks home.
Greg: You're poop.

Kryptonite

2008-10-19T18:04:00.002-07:00

Nelly: Kryptonite!
Pagne: What?
Nelly: Kryptonite. That's the brand of my bike lock.
Pagne: Oh good. So it'll keep Superman out, but what about everyone else? Well at least I know I'll be safe the next time Kal-El comes to steal my shit.

If traffic safety is Wong, I don't wanna be right.

2008-09-16T15:48:00.009-07:00

"Speeding Ticket:
Date Issued: Aug 22 2008
Declarant: Officer Wong"

Me: Hey Pagne look. "Officer Wong". This guy was on the "Wong" side of the law!*cackle*
Pagne: He just couldn't escape the reach of the "Wong" arm of the law.

*laughter ensues*

She's a robut!

2008-09-10T20:55:00.002-07:00

Pagne: I don't care what happens to me when I die. I'm going to donate my body to science. Or the Body Farm or something.
Nelly: That's gross though. They just toss you out in the woods and leave you there to rot.
Pagne: It's really important work though. Anthropologists have learned so much because of the people who donate their bodies.
Coworker: Yeah until you wake up and it's the future and you're part woman, part robot. *does the robot*

Elbow on the brain.

2008-09-08T10:30:00.002-07:00

*Nelly ducks under her desk to get something*
Pagne: Oh shit, sorry.
Nelly: What?
Pagne: I accidentally elbowed you right in the head.
Nelly: Oh I didn't even notice. ...I have other things on my mind besides your elbow.
Pagne: *stare*
Pagne & Nelly: *hysterical laughing*

Kristina is a total slut.

2008-09-07T03:07:00.006-07:00

DemonicCoho: Do anarchists have groups?

hoojibb: what? I don't know. who is this and why are you asking me?

DemonicCoho: she just woke me up saying ppl iming her all night

DemonicCoho: fucking with her

DemonicCoho: and she gave me your sn

hoojibb: who did?

DemonicCoho: SexDrugsRock

DemonicCoho: thats her sn

hoojibb: I have no idea who that is

hoojibb: you seem to have the wrong number

DemonicCoho: then why would she give me yor sn

hoojibb: I don't know

hoojibb: who's fucking with her? I've been out on a date all night

DemonicCoho: ight good for you hoime

DemonicCoho: and this will could all be put to rest

DemonicCoho: just dont im her

hoojibb: who is this?

DemonicCoho: chris

hoojibb: i don't know anyone named chris

DemonicCoho: and you dont want to

DemonicCoho: i;m just saying dont im her any more

DemonicCoho: and we can all be cool ya dig

hoojibb: I've never imed this person before, but I'm tempted to do so now because it's such an exciting mystery

DemonicCoho: liten maybe your a friend of hers just fucking around

hoojibb: what's her name?

DemonicCoho: and if so thats all gravy

hoojibb: I don't believe I'd purposely associate with someone who refers to herself as SexDrugsRock.

hoojibb: oh god, is she my mom?

DemonicCoho: what do u mean whats her shoe

DemonicCoho: [05:55] EmpatheticCoho: oh god, is she my mom?

DemonicCoho: whtas wrong with you dawg

hoojibb: I am not a dawg. I am a lady.

DemonicCoho: ight lady

hoojibb: what does ight mean? is that spanish?

DemonicCoho: but whatsup with the whats her shoe and whis she my mom question

DemonicCoho: i aint no fucking spic

DemonicCoho: lets get that straight

hoojibb: i'm not a spic. i'm a jew though.

DemonicCoho: unless you like 4 years old

DemonicCoho: i doubt she cuold be you mom

hoojibb: no, i'm 27.

DemonicCoho: your a jew

hoojibb: indeed

DemonicCoho: wow

hoojibb: and how!

DemonicCoho: ich bin der

DemonicCoho: toufel

hoojibb: i'm sorry I don't speak german

DemonicCoho: i do

DemonicCoho: you fucking jew bag

DemonicCoho: go kill ur self

hoojibb: just spanish. me gusta tu culo.

DemonicCoho: you sin against nature

DemonicCoho: do you not see my ss icon

hoojibb: oh you're just precious. i want to pinch your little neo nazi cheeks!

DemonicCoho: you if this is khristina

DemonicCoho: imma hurt you

hoojibb: someone needs a hug!

hoojibb: who's a crankypants?

DemonicCoho: i;m saying homie

DemonicCoho: if you know my girl

DemonicCoho: then i;m telling you right now

DemonicCoho: u know me

DemonicCoho: and you should know better then to be trying to pss me off

DemonicCoho: so cut the shit real fast and man up

hoojibb: girls can't man up, silly. not without a strap-on

hoojibb: which I can go fetch if you'd like

DemonicCoho: yo big biord or krsitina

DemonicCoho: if its one of yous i swear on thor

hoojibb: I can never remember where I left that durn thing!

DemonicCoho: i will brake your head open

hoojibb: ok sugarpants I'm going to bed now. but a word of advice- get a firm grasp on the english language before you go hate-mongering next time. it'll make your arguments more persuasive.

DemonicCoho: acting like your not iming her

hoojibb: no one will take seriously an ignorant fuck who can't read or write.

hoojibb: ta!

DemonicCoho: when i;m seeing all the shit your saying

DemonicCoho: it dont matter if i can read or wright

DemonicCoho: write

DemonicCoho: what ever

DemonicCoho: i can hurt ppl

DemonicCoho: thats all that maters

hoojibb: you're adorable. night, puddin' cup.

DemonicCoho: kristina you dead

DemonicCoho: you fucking slut

Nemesis required. 6-month project with possibilty to extend

2008-08-07T18:13:00.004-07:00

The offer.
My reply.

I really hope I get the job!

BBQ

2008-07-29T20:44:00.004-07:00

Greg: the neighbors had a pig roast a little while ago. the pig was roasted in a converted oil tank.
Greg: with a little motor, that turned the spit
Me: wow
Me: I haven't eaten pork in 6 months. but I think if someone was roasting a whole pig in their yard, right in front of me, a herd of live baby pigs couldn't hold me back.
Greg: yeah. this would made down you throw down your kufi, and give allah the bird

Lift 50lbs

2008-07-21T12:25:00.003-07:00

Me: God so many admin jobs on Craig's List require you to be able to lift 50 lbs. Do you think I can lift 50 lbs?
Devin: I don't know.
Me: Is there anything around here that's 50 lbs that I can try to lift?
Devin: Yeah my balls.

An open letter of apology...

2008-07-18T18:40:00.003-07:00

Dear Porn Connoseuirs,

I found out our blog is tagged and catagorized as "Porn" on stumbleupon, which may explain why not too many people have stayed and read it upon stumbling to it. I apologize for the lack of titties and bush on our blog. I deeply regret any distress that this may have caused you, or your family.

Sincerely,
Chanel

Beardy

2008-07-18T18:33:00.004-07:00

A few minutes after Devin finally shaved his big old beard off...

Devin: *weighing self* Chanel, I lost 2 lbs!
Me: Wow, that beard was pretty heavy!

Rollerskating

2008-07-14T12:43:00.008-07:00

Me: Did you get my email?
Brittany: Which one?
Me: The one about you and me taking rollerskating lessons.
Brittany: Oh yea I got it
Brittany: I'm a little iffy about it though
Brittany: I'm not a very good rollerskater, never have been
Me: ....That's why it's a training class, Brittany.

Bedtime story

2008-07-14T12:01:00.005-07:00

Me: Will you tell me a bedtime story? I'm having trouble falling asleep.
Devin: No.
Me: Please?
Devin: ..........There once was a beautiful Princess with tig-ole'-bitties and she ruled over a large kingdom all by herself. Then one day she met a Prince, this Prince had a giant horse cock with magical powers. One day the evil neighboring Kingdom was being total assholes so the Prince saved the day by going over there and beating them with his magical cock. The Princess thanked him for saving her but the Prince suggested she thank him in another way by sexing him good, she protested at first but deep down the Princess was a little slutty so she gave in. They pwned and all was well in the kingdom...but then the Prince started knocking at the back door.
Me: Ok that's enough.
Devin: ...and they butt-fucked. The end.

Romance

2008-07-14T09:05:00.003-07:00

michael: i'm going to stuff a cucumber up you and sew your labia together
pagne: Don't try and sweet-talk me.

Ventrillo Ghoooooosts

2008-07-07T18:46:00.004-07:00

Me: Dude Devin, your internet friends on voicechat are so loud I can hear them through your headphones.
Devin: And?
Me: It scared the shit out of me, at first I thought we had nerdy poltergeists.

A dick is forever.

2008-06-29T01:46:00.003-07:00

Me: well he was a dick. he's fine now. as in alive and healthy. still a dick though.
randomaustraliandude: dicks are for ever
Me: like a diamond. only less shiny
randomaustraliandude: they can be shiny under the right conditions
randomaustraliandude: um...anyway
Me: *cough*
Me: if I had a dick it would be very shiny
randomaustraliandude: hahaha
Me: and made of titanium
Me: I'd hit people over the head with it when they displeased me
randomaustraliandude: detachable penis...dun dun dun dun
Me: it would be like a police baton. only aa dick.
randomaustraliandude: that's so much more useful than an actual dick
Me: Indeed. Because it's hard to use a regular dick for self-defense. I mean, you could try, but it would be pretty awkward-looking.

Vagina: The Undiscovered Cuntry

2008-06-23T14:05:00.007-07:00

John: Oh yeah, you've never been downtown on someone before have you?
Me: Well not on a girl.
John: You're going to freak out. There's no way to prepare yourself.
Me: You know, I do have a vagina of my own. It's not a totally foreign concept to me.
John: That doesn't matter! They're all different! You don't know the blueprints! What if you go in and you think the stairs are on one side and they're actually on the other? Then there's a fire and you need to get the fuck out of there but you don't know where the exits are!

Text Message

2008-06-23T01:35:00.003-07:00

Mom: r u at work?
Me:. No. I'm off till Wednesday.
Mom: k. r u awake?
Me: ...no. No I am not awake.

Why aren't you at my door trying to mate with me?

2008-06-19T03:01:00.003-07:00

Wookie Mating Call

So gay.

2008-06-12T19:13:00.004-07:00

I overheard Devin talking in voicechat with his World of Warcraft buddies...

Devin: Hey man it's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean.

Me: ...God you are so gay sometimes, Devin.
Devin: Lol, it's ridiculous how much I'm in love with you.

Spitty spoons

2008-06-12T19:07:00.004-07:00

Devin has this big collection of tiny gelato taster spoons that he likes to just chew on all the time. Today he came over to me while I was at the computer and he said "Time for kisses!" and while we were smooching he snuck one of his spit covered mini spoons in my mouth.

Me: *cough* Ack, why are you trying to put your spitty spoon in my mouth?!
Devin: (baby voice) Because if I put it in your mouth then when I chew on it it's like I'm getting kisses from you all day long.
Me: Awww, that's the cutest thing you've ever said!

*smooching continues...devin then tries to put his spoon back in my mouth*

Me: Ok that's enough now, fuck off.

Bills

2008-06-04T22:21:00.003-07:00

Pagne: You owe $37 for T-Mobile.
Nelly: I don't owe SHIT! I've been talkin' on a banana phone all month.
Pagne: Then you owe $37 to the Banana company.
Nelly: That's highway robbery.

First Friday (email)

2008-06-03T23:50:00.009-07:00

Declined: [Invitation] First Friday @ Fri Jun 6 8pm (Brittany)

Damn! I already planned a Poker Night at my place for this Friday. Otherwise, I TOTALLY would have been down to go. Are there a lot of people going? What about Saturday night? -Brittany

Uh, it's called First Friday because it's on... FRIDAY. As in it's the FIRST FRIDAY of the month. -Champagne

Chapstick

2008-06-03T20:02:00.002-07:00

Success

2008-05-31T04:28:00.005-07:00

Champagne- AIM: Did you know that Seth Rogen is actually a year younger thsn me? Now I both love and hate him.
Devin: Why do you hate him?
Champagne- AIM: because he's retarded sucessful and basically has my dream job. and I'm working at a fuckin locksmith
Champagne- AIM: I'm as funny as him. I just never had the opportunity to blow the entire writing staff of Comedy Central
Champagne- AIM: no but seriously, I love him so much
Devin: I take it that isn't something you'd be above doing it sounds like. Not that I'd blame you. I'd blow the writing staff of Comedy Central for the kind of money he makes.
Champagne- AIM: just think of all the hot dudes and chicks that would want to bone me
Champagne- AIM: i'd be up to my neck in balls and tits
Devin: Sounds like a dream come true.

Cats

2008-05-27T08:58:00.003-07:00

Devin: I want a little baby kitty!
Nelly: We already have a cat. Why don't you play with John Ritter?
Devin: Cause she sucks.
Nelly: Yeah not like your mom's cat who lulls you into a false sense of security and then attacks you. That cat is a dick.
Devin: Yeah. She's awesome.

Devin + Master Cleanse Diet = FAIL!

2008-05-18T13:37:00.005-07:00

So Devin decided the other day that he was going to go on that freaky Master Cleanse diet and video blog his process; all for internet entertainment. If you don't know about the Master Cleanse diet it's basically drinking only lemonade with cayenne pepper for 10 days which makes you lose weight via explosive diarrhea or something. Here is a recount of Devin's progress:

Hour 1 -

Devin purchases an ass-ton of lemons plus the other ingredients needed.

Hour 3 -

Devin concocts the nasty ass lemon pepper drink in a giant water bottle.

Hour 5 -

Devin gets hungry and quits.

The end. Riveting, no?

Devin and I are perfect for eachother: Reason #1

2008-05-18T12:50:00.008-07:00

We both enjoy a good pressed ham every now and again.

Roommate Rule #137

2008-05-15T23:31:00.007-07:00

Never leave your pets unattended.

Bears

2008-05-13T03:07:00.006-07:00

While watching The Golden Compass

Nelly: I had a dream the other night that I prank ordered a pizza and had it delivered to William Hurt.
Me: What the fuck?
Nelly: *laughs* Yeah.
Me: You're weird. *pause* Oh dude! I had a dream the other night that we were watching a movie with fighting polar bears that talk and wear fucking armor! *looks at TV* OH MY GOD! IT'S REALLY HAPPENING!!!

Iced Tea Alert

2008-05-10T20:19:00.005-07:00

Nelly: Ow fuck.
Me: What?
Nelly: The iced tea maker attacked me.
Me: Do we need to call the paramedics?
Nelly: No.
Me: We need to get you a Life Alert.
Nelly: You mean the "I've fallen and I can't get up?"
Me: Yes
Nelly: The iced tea maker's attacked me and I can't get up.
Me: You need one so you can be monitored while faced with life-threatening situations. Like opening mayonnaise jars. And emptying the dishwasher.
Nelly: ...I am going to punch you so god damn hard.

Remain calm

2008-05-10T20:04:00.010-07:00

Devin on himself and the internet

Devin: Do you really think the internet is ready for my awesomeness?
Me: (sarcastically) Oh yeah Devin, they're ready.
Devin: I don't know. It's kind of like a fire drill, you practice and think you're ready but in the end you panic, freak out, and shit your pants.

(Insert random words here)

2008-05-10T20:01:00.006-07:00

Devin on household tidiness

Me: If you bring your shoes upstairs one more time I'm going to beat you with them.
Devin: If I bring my shoes upstairs one more time I'm going to put them in your butthole.
Me: That doesn't make any sense.
Devin: It doesn't have to make sense because I'm beautiful!
Me: ...God damnit, now I have to blog again.
Devin: Just stop blogging.
Me: Stop saying weird shit.
Devin: ..."Panda douche".
Me: God damnit!

Prude

2008-05-10T19:33:00.004-07:00

Devin on romance

I'm at my computer and Devin walks up and starts thrusting his hips next to my face.

Me: What are you doing?
Devin: I'm trying to get you into the mood.
Me: (lol) Is that what that is?
Devin: ...Prude. (walks away)

.....

2008-05-10T19:21:00.005-07:00

Devin on himself & the internet

Devin: I don't think I like you posting blogs about me.
Me: Why?!
Devin: Because my awesomeness cannot be conveyed in mere words.

On the ropes

2008-05-10T19:14:00.005-07:00

Devin on romance

Devin is standing in our bedroom doorway staring at me while I'm standing next to the bed.

Me: Can I help you?

(Devin stands there and says nothing and doesn't move)

Me: What?....What are you gonna do?...What?...What do you want? WHAT?! Oh god...

(Devin comes running towards me and tackles me onto the bed, I giggle. Devin then smacks his hand on the bed 3 times and then sits up and puts both hands in the air triumphantly.)

Me: Did you just pretend to want to cuddle so you could play WWE and pin me?!

Devin: ...Maybe.

WoW

2008-05-10T18:59:00.004-07:00

Devin on World of Warcraft

Devin: So there was this guy who was solo healing Karazhan, which is some World of Warcraft thing you won't understand cause you're not cool like that, and this guy said "That's insane!" and so I said "No a man eating five pounds of his own shit is insane, solo healing Karazhan is awesome."
Me: (blank stare) Wait can you say that all over again while I blog this?

Horse Cock

2008-05-10T18:48:00.005-07:00

Devin on boobs and weight gain

Me: I'm going to sufficate you with my boobs.
Devin: There's worse ways to go. If I had to die I'd want it to be by boobies...but not fat chick boobs.
Me: But I'm fat.
Devin: No you're not. Would you call me a fat guy?
Me: No.
Devin: Then you're not fat. I've got a good twenty pounds on you.
Me: But I'm shorter than you.
Devin: That and I have a huge horse cock so that's most of the weight there.
Me: Jesus!
Devin: I mean I could kill someone with it.

"I could be the father of your half-sibling...wanna make out?"

2005-11-09T10:45:00.001-07:00

So last night I check my phone messages at home. One from my Grandma "Where's your mother?" and one from John. The punkass kid who'd been "dating" my mom. If anyone wants to hear the actual message just ask me and I'll email it to you so it can be known that this isn't just really imaginative creative writing, lol. Anyways, the following message contains this:

John: "Your mom is pregnant with my kid."

My Mom: *throws something* "Oh fuck you!"

John: "She is...she is"

My Mom: "You're an asshole."

John: *laughing* "She is." *laughing* "K, later."

End Message.

What kind of mannerless fucktard leaves a message like this on someone's phone. Let along the daughter of the women he's dating's phone??

So I search my call logs and find his number and call him. He answers.

John: "Hello."

Me: "You wanna tell me what the message you left on my phone was all about?"

John: "What message?"

Me: "The one about my mom being pregnant with your kid?"

John: "Oh yeah. That's an old message....." he trails off and starts to defend himself that he had no idea how old my mom was. That all his friends laugh at him behind his back now. That he swears he hasn't seen my mom in weeks and isn't dating her anymore. All the while, all you hear from my end is me trying to interject during his rant.

Me: "John?" *him babbling* "John?" *babbling" "JOHN!?"

John: "Yeah."

Me: "The message?!"

John: "Oh right. Yeah she is pregnant with my kid."

Me: "No she's not. It's not physically possible. How do you know?"

John: "Have you seen her lately?"

Me: "Yup, last night. Wearing a tank top and lowrise jeans."

John: "Ok well whatever. I don't want to talk about this it's making me feel sick."

Me: "Well you left the message so you can't just say you don't want to talk about it."

*Phone Hangs Up*

I laugh and Champagne and I talk about what a douchebag this kid is.

*Phone Rings*

Me: "What?"

Voice: "Hey uh this is John's friend Sasha (Sasha's a dude fyi). John wanted me to say sorry for hanging up on you but he's busy right now.

Me: "K."

Sasha: "So uh John says you're cool and he thinks I should meet your sister. Would that be cool?"

Me: *mouth drops open...long pause* "Uhh...yeah, No."

Sasha: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Yeah the answer is No you can't meet my sister."

*Phone Hangs Up*

I tell Champagne what he had said and she goes "What the fuck?" and I laugh

*Phone Rings* "Jesus Christ. Tell them to stop calling!" -Champagne

Me: "Yeah?"

Sasha: "Yeah sorry about that, phone problems. So yeah. John really likes you and we wanted to know if you wanted to hang out tonight."

Me: "Ok dude I've actually already explained this to John before. But I don't hang out with people who fuck my mom. It's not appropriate. I mean dude...he fucked my mom. And left a message saying she's pregnant with his kid?"

Sasha: "He really left that message? Wow. Well he can be a dipshit sometimes, heh. Yeah man I totally understand. You shouldn't have to deal with that but umm....you know I didn't fuck your mom so what about me? Let's hang out."

(What I want to say: "Oh wow, good for you. So you're the one who didn't fuck my mom? Such restraint! Here's a cookie!")

Me: "We work alot and Champagne is also in College right now so we don't go places."

Sasha: "So you single or what?"

Me: "No. I'm not."

Sasha: "What about your sister?"

Me: "No she's not."

Sasha: "Oh ok that's cool, I respect that. Later."

*Phone Hangs Up*

I'm still trying to find out how to block their phone number.

And just let me point out that guys who says "I respect that." after having used "I didn't fuck your mom" as an excuse for you to date them, don't really mean it. "I respect that." is there way of making you think that they respect you, when in fact. They mean the exact opposite.

So I've come to the conclusion that John is the dumbest person I've ever met in my life. Who fucks someone's mom, tells that mom's kid that they knocked her up, and then asks that daughter out? I mean. I'm laughing right now even.

Like I said in the last Rant. The insanity just makes me laugh now because I feel like I'm just watching it on tv now. My life has as many plot twists as an M. Night Shyamalan film.

Good thing I bought that mini popcorn machine.

"i dont good in english"

2005-10-12T13:33:00.003-07:00

If you've ever used the program Skype before, you'll know that quite often you'll get a random call or IM from someone in the middle east that doesn't speak very good English. I don't know what draws them to this program in particular, but oh well.

Today I got another one of those. I tried closing the IM and hanging up the incoming calls. But he just kept persisting so I said "If you can't beat 'em, Join 'em!"

titohema: hi
titohema: i cant take u
Me: what?
titohema: i cant take with u
Me: what?
titohema: u want play with me
Me: butt plug?
titohema: pic
titohema: u have pic
Me: butt plug?
titohema: u have msn
Me: are you propositioning me for internet baby makin'?
titohema: do yo lave sex
Me: Yo Lave, that's that new club downtown right?
Me: We should totally go drinking there sometime!
titohema: do you have msn on hotmail
titohema: ya
titohema: do you have msn on hotmail
titohema: (picture of a heart)
Me: no but I do have a lean pocket
titohema: do you have mail on yaho
Me: I love you
titohema: do u love sex
Me: Cheese is my one and only love.
titohema: do you have mail on yaho
Me: All kidding aside. Has this ever worked for you. I mean obviously you don't speak very good english so my mind is boggled as to how you intend to cyber with someone.
titohema: i love u
Me: now you're just mimicking me like a parrot
titohema: what?
Me: ok I'm just gonna be honest. I feel like we're drifting apart. We don't talk enough anymore.
titohema: simple the words
titohema: cause i dont good in english
Me: I think we should see other people.
titohema: why
Me: Because you don't make me feel special anymore.
titohema: what?
Me: you heard me
titohema: i love you
Me: too little too late, you should have thought of that before
titohema: whta?
titohema: what do mean?
Me: huh? oh nothing. wait, who are you again?
titohema: im.hema
Me: oh right! yeah I think we should see other people, hema
titohema: how old are u
Me: yes I understand you think I'm being childish now. but you'll understand someday.
titohema: how meny years
Me: I don't know, someday. It all depends on you really.
Me: Goodbye hema. I'll always remember you.
titohema: i love you

He fought until the very end. I grew kind of attached to him really. Goodbye Tito Hema. We shall meet again someday.

"Like your tats"

2005-08-24T00:20:00.001-07:00

I got accosted while I was running errands today. I was filling my tank and this guy's like:

"Did you know your windshield isn't tinted?" he asked inquisitively,

"No, the face melting heat from the sun blaring in my eyes wasn't a hint enough." I replied.

"What's your deductible for windshield replacement cause I could hook you up." he said in a way too excited voice.

"Can I get your card or something cause I'm really late and I have to go."

"You don't have 5 minutes?"

"No I don't have 5 minutes, I gotta go."

"Are you sure you don't have 5 minutes? Are you sure? It's just five minutes." he said as though unconvinced.

"Well I might have had 5 minutes when we started this but you've asked me if I have 5 minutes so many times that I don't anymore!" he stares for a moment and says

"I like your tats."

*long pause....*

"Yeah I think we're done here."